I had the best day with you today

Last week was rough. The second round of chemo has almost kicked my ass, but by sheer will and Korean determination, I fought the C-Beast the best I could.

Those of you who know me, know how hard it was for my friends and family members to convince me I needed to hire someone to help me. My mother was the one who finally convinced me, although she probably doesn't know it. I leaned on my mother heavily for help with Evan prior to chemo, and I could see how fatigued she was. Taking care of Evan exhausted me before the cancer diagnosis, and I am 36 years old. I don't want cancer to potentially take two victims! So, we hired Katie to come and help me with Evan and the household chores. She has been great. She is hardworking, smart, and great with Evan.

But, old habits die hard, and although I could not have gotten through last week without Katie, I still have a hard time letting Evan go. I still insist on running all the the errands and going to all his classes together. I am so afraid of missing out on any part of his little life. It had always been just the two of us. And now that he is talking more, comprehending more, and being so sweet and charming, I don't want to miss out on a single moment. Obviously, this has become very difficult, particularly when I am feeling badly. Even going to the grocery store is difficult; I get winded just carrying him from the parking lot to the store. Katie tries to take Evan when she sees how exhausted I'm getting, but he refuses to go to her as long as I'm nearby. I know that my being around makes it harder for her to care for Evan, but I can't seem to help it. I don't want to leave him. I am his mother and I want to take care of him, even when I'm physically able to. It is irrational, but it is what motherhood means to me.

Today was the first day I had with Evan all by myself. I'm near the end of my second cycle, and my pain is somewhat manageable. It was glorious; just the two of us again. We spent the morning playing at our local My Gym, then went to the store where he rode the grocery cart with the car attached to the front for the first time. What a blast! He only protested when I would stop the cart for groceries. I quickly depleted my little store of energy pushing him around, but it was worth it to see his face. Every new marvel, every humorous happenstance, registers on his face like blips of joy on a heart monitor. We finally found our way home where he ate lunch on my lap, and I cradled him as we spun back and forth on our kitchen barstool together. Cuddle time gave way to a brave backyard expedition, stomping around in his shiny red boots until his little body was ready to rest.

I set him down in his crib and we read through the Book of Sleep together, where my genius boy identified the owl, the whale, and the moon. Story time rides on the heels of nap time, though, and pretty soon he looked up and said, "Bye-bye!" I knew that was my cue to let our little man sleep.

"Kiss?" I asked. He lifted up his face.

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And now here I am, exhausted, but the memory of his little kiss reminds me that I wouldn't have traded today for anything. I had the best day with you today, Evan. Mommy loves you, so much.

My darling boy